• Dré

Please Just Fucking Love

I feel his aching heart calling, and I rush to his side. He tries his hardest to smile but before long, his face drops into his lap. I hold him as he quivers, like hypothermia in my arms. Every heartbeat pumping a little too hard. Every inhale, exhale, scraping through his wind pipes; each motion more trying than the last. I breathe with him, trying like hell to absorb even just an ounce of the pain.


He tries to compose himself; to fight the tears away from his eyes; to swallow the lump in his throat so that he may apologize. For what? For feeling so deeply. Society has convinced him that emotion is weakness. He tells me that he’s stupid for allowing her in and beats himself up for loving her more than she could him. Next time, he’ll guard his heart, he’ll give less of himself to another.


I pull him in closer and beg him to reconsider. I remind him that he’s brave. I kiss his salty cheek and whisper in his ear. He needs to know that he’s never been more beautiful than he is right now; for when he is in pieces, I see all of his dimensions. Broken glass reflects light in more directions. Every tear is poetry, every strained breath, a testament to his strength. For to love another so hard takes the greatest amount of courage and in this moment of showing his softness, he’s never looked stronger.


I can hear the absence in her voice. She’s become an expert at hiding her hurt but I think I can find it now, regardless of how deep she’s buried it. She is the one who taught me that it was okay to cry, and who held space for me to shed so many of my tears. Somewhere along the line though, she began resenting her own. Someone must have told her that they were better left un-cried or to avoid situations that might lead to their welling.


Her laugh is the kind that lights up a whole room. I have felt it uplifting me, even across miles that have separated us for years. I haven’t heard it in a while though, and I miss it. She tells me that she’s happy with her decision, to follow her mind over her heart. I can’t fault her for it. We all crave security, and the heart leads us to the most uncertain places. She deserves uncertainty though, for that is where love, butterflies, and magic dwell.


I wake up to find an eyelash on my cheek. I’ve wished on them since I can remember. This time, my wish is for her. I wish with all of my heart that she follows her own. How could she though? She is encouraged not to be foolish by those dearest to her, to make the “right” decision, not to put herself in a vulnerable position. To hurt is to fail, everyone seems to say but my dear, to hurt is the most beautiful thing, for it means that you have loved and you owe that to yourself. You deserve skipping heartbeats and sparkling eyes and to live among the clouds, though it might not make sense.


I pull the phone away from my ear so as to prevent drowning in opinions. I am getting “advice” again on how to approach my next relationship. They keep cautioning me to be more guarded. They empathize to an extent, but I hear the pity in their voices. They might as well just tell me that they think I’m a fool in love. I feel quite the opposite. They worry about my heart and just want to prevent future suffering. I appreciate the concern and love them so deeply for caring but I promise never to follow this advice. I promise never to let myself be hardened by a society that has misunderstood what it means to be strong.


Above all, we fear vulnerability, failing to realize that rigidity renders us weak. Softness is shatterproof, but we, are so breakable. Life is to be lived passionately, authentically, unapologetically. It is to be experienced in its most electrifying, beautifully chaotic form. Shying away from hurt means shying away from beauty, magic, euphoria, the things that make this life worth living. Let us run towards, and not away from experiences. Let us be fearless in our pursuits.


To settle is the greatest disservice to oneself. It is to betray one’s divinity. It is to forget what we came here to do. I am not here to judge though. Settle if you absolutely must. Settle in your job, in your house, in your day to day, but please, promise me that you will never settle in love. Too many things in life are mediocre for love to be one them. Let me hold you when you’re broken, and let me wipe away your tears but please, don’t ever be afraid to feel and don’t you ever apologize for loving.


At yoga practice today, the teacher begins by posing a question: “Have you ever taken a risk in the name of love?” I close my eyes as a smile sweeps over my face. The word "yes" has never tasted so sweet, and I treasure the way it reverberates throughout my entire being.


Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful creatures. Don’t let Hallmark and big corporations ruin this one. Take the day back. Use it as an opportunity to lay your heart out on the line. Go out there and just fucking love each other, please

Photo by John Hernandez on Unsplash

#lovelightchaos #llc #love #happyvalentinesday #lovemore #loveistheanswer #vulnerability #vulnerabilityisstrength #writingblog #creativenonfiction

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